Artemis Fowl, MarySues and Illiterate Fangirls
by Sovrani
Summary: Two illiterate AF fangirls decide to rewrite an AF book, and two regular AF fans attempt to stop them. With erections, mud pits, Mary-Sues and more! But not a lot more. Oneoff, R&R. Holly/Arty, because it's me. Now rated T, sorreeee.
1. The Story

**Disclaimer: **When you finish reading this, you'll be very glad I don't own Artemis Fowl.

**A/N: **My parents hauled me off on a camping trip, but thankfully I had my laptop with me. So I wrote this.  
Camping was bad, thanks for asking. I woke up every morning with dirt in my eyebrows, I was brutalised by mosquitoes, and on the second night I tripped over a wombat on my way back from the shower block.

So do me a massive favour and read this for me. And I apologise if I offend anybody with my swearing or the dirty implications. It's just my futile attempts at trying to be funny. Oh and also, when I uploaded this, I soon realised that underscores do not computer (or whatever) on . It took me, like, AN HOUR to fix them all (there were a lot) and my back was hurting from being hunched over. It looked better with underscores instead of dashes. Trust me on that.

**Dedication:** To all the illiterate, rabid fangirls who basically raped all my favourite fandoms. I hope all you guys meet a similar fate.

Should my pain be for nothing? No. Read it.

* * *

**Artemis Fowl, Mary-Sues and Illiterate Fangirls**

**(x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x has joined the conversation)**

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
helloooooo?? lol!!

**(x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x has joined the conversation)**

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
hi!! lol!!

**(AF-Fan-#1 has joined the conversation)**

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
ohhemeffgee i lyk luv af!! lol!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
ohemgeee me 2!! lol!!

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
Fuck. Illiterate Fangirls.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
we r not iliterats!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
yeh jst coz we rnt nerd lyk u!!

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
God help me.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
yeh god u st0opid nerd!! use sum chatspeek!!

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
Hell no. I'm trying to preserve whatever brain cells I have, which are minimal anyway.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
lol nerd!!

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
Ok, you probably don't understand big words like that.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
yeh we can!! we just cbf!! lol!!

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
I'll pray for you.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
wtf?? lol!!

**(AF-Fan-#2 has joined the conversation)**

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
FINALLY! SOME SANITY!

AF-Fan-#2 says:  
Haha :D But we're AF fans. There's little sanity anyway.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
wtf??1!

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
See that? That's called an apostrophe. Use it sometime.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
stop bagging our smartness!!11!!

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
You mean "limited intelligence".

AF-Fan-#2 says:  
Haha!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
stfu bitch!!11!!1

AF-Fan-#2 says:  
Illiterates?

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
Obviously.

AF-Fan-#2 says:  
Shame.

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
I know. What a waste of space.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
fuk off!!11!!

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
No. We're having fun.

AF-Fan-#2 says:  
If you call this fun. We haven't even pictured Arty in Speedos! –drools-

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
ew!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
grose11!!11

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
You call yourselves Fangirls? There hasn't been a single mention of Arty's big, hard, throbbing penis.

AF-Fan-#2 says:  
Until now. –drools-

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
I think I just wet my pants.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
ew!!11!! u 2 r sooooooo grose!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
fukin weirdos1!! lol!!

AF-Fan-#2 says:  
Eurgh. Noobs.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
WE R NOT NOOBZ!!

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
Really? How long have you been on this site?

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
lyk 4 hours!!

AF-Fan-#2 says:  
Holy shit. Dumb, illiterate noob alert.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
stfu!!11111!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
omg i just rote lyk the bestest person 4 arty!!1!! lol!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
omg reeeli? lol!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
yer omg shes lyk perfect 4 him!!

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
Oh god. Mary-Sue.

AF-Fan-#2 says:

-hauls out Mary-Sue guns-

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
she iz nt a marysue!! shez jst perfect!! lol!!

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
Uh… she's a Mary-Sue.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
NO SHE ISNT!!

AF-Fan-#2 says:  
AF-Fan-#1, just leave it. What's the worst that could happen?

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
She'll post the story on FanFiction and get flamed?

AF-Fan-#2 says:  
Exactly. So just leave her.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
omg il get flamed??

AF-Fan-#2 says:  
Obviously.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
o noez!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
no waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!1!!

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
Idiots…

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
omg!! i just got teh bestest idea lyk evahhh!! il lyk hax into eoin colfers comp nd rerite af!!11!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
i alredy haxd it!! ur 2 l8!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
noez!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
yesz!!

AF-Fan-#2 says:  
… lol.

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
ima go do it enywayz!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x says:  
ima stop u!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x says:  
u wish!!

**(x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x** **has left the conversation)**

**(x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x** **has left the conversation)**

AF-Fan-#2 says:  
You don't think they'd really…?

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
I think they would.

AF-Fan-#2 says:  
Crap! We have to stop them!

AF-Fan-#1 says:  
Okay, let's go!

**(AF-Fan-#2 has left the conversation)**

**(AF-Fan-#1 has left the conversation)**

* * *

**And when Artemis Fowl and the Time Paradox comes out**

**This is what readers will find**

Artemis: -is sitting at home in Fowl manor, being a genius and doing what he does-

Holly: -is married to Artemis (obviously) and she is currently out shopping-

Artemis: -is bored-

Random Girl: -walks into Arty's room-

Artemis: Who are you, and how did you get past my security system?

Random Girl: My name is Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue. I hacked into your security system using only a ballpoint pen and paperclip and disabled it.

Artemis: God! You're a genius! And your hair is so black and shiny!

Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue: I know. I invented a formula that repairs all damaged hairs and eliminates dandruff. The formula made me millions. I have everything in the world… except for one thing…

Artemis: What's that?

Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue: I need somebody to love me and care for me, to love me for the person I am inside!

Artemis: What are you saying?

Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue: Artemis Fowl, engage your mandibles and reproductive organs and make love to me!

Artemis: Oh, my sweet Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue, your vocabulary just makes me love you all the more! Although I must admit I'm slightly worried…

Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue: -undressing Artemis and herself- Why are you worried, my love?

Artemis: Though you radiate the sweet scent of strawberries, which has a calming effect on me, I cannot help worrying about the fact that I am already married to a beautiful woman who is also capable of killing me with her pinky finger…

Holly: -bursts into room- Artemis, what are you doing?

Artemis: -gasps- Holly, this isn't what it looks like!

Holly: Artemis, your penis is erect! Erect!

Artemis: No! It's an illusion! It's the pleating in the pants!

Holly: Don't lie to me! –steps forward with pinky finger extended-

Artemis: Noez!

Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue: Muahahahah! My evil plan which isn't explained because it's stupid and immature is almost complete!

**(AF-Fan-#1 has hacked into the word document)**

AF-Fan-#1: Yes! I'm in!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x: noez!

AF-Fan-#1: Okay, now for just minor adjustments…

Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue: -clutches chest- Oh no! I'm having a heart attack!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x: u cant do that!!

AF-Fan-#1: Yes I can! Haven't you ever seen Death Note?

Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue: -keels over and dies-

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x: noez!! my oc!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x: yesz!! my turn!!

OC: -walks into room-

OC: My name is Aquaria and I am a genius. Look at my amazing blonde hair and my beautiful purple eyes! Observe my impeccable fashion sense and listen to my glorious singing voice! Oogle my magnificent cleavage!

Cleavage: Hello! How may I engulf you?

Artemis: -oogles-

Holly: ERECT!!

AF-Fan-#1: No! Another Mary-Sue!

**(AF-Fan-#2 has hacked into the word document)**

AF-Fan-#2: I'm here!

AF-Fan-#1: Thank god! Quick, kill the Mary-Sue!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x: NOEZ!!1111!!shift!!11!!one!!

OC/Mary-Sue: -is crushed by grand piano-

Grand Piano: -may or may not belong to Edward Cullen-

Sovrani: -shimmers into view- Hi, just briefly interrupting for a second. I just want to say that Edward Cullen is a hot sexy vampire and if things don't work out between him and Bella, I'm going to marry him and have his children, whether or not that's possible. –shimmers out of view-

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x: omg!! we must make more ocs!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x: yesz!! faster!!11!!shift!!

Pack of OCs which happen to be Mary-Sues: -walk into room- WE ARE PERFECT!

Artemis: -oogles-

Holly: ERECT!

AF-Fan-#2: Omg! We're outnumbered!

AF-Fan-#1: Quick, make more OCs!

Pack of OCs which happen to be certified Mary-Sue killers: We are darkly attractive but we aren't perfect because we aren't Mary-Sues!

Artemis: -doesn't oogle-

Pack of OC, Mary-Sue killers: But observe our magnificent DD breasts!!

Artemis: -oogles-

Holly: ERECTTTTTTT!!

AF-Fan-#1: Now, our magnificent OC, Mary-Sue killers with DD breasts, KILL THE MARY-SUES!!

Pack of OC, Mary-Sue killers with DD breasts: -start killing Mary-Sues-

Pack of OC Mary-Sues: -are being killed-

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x: NOEZ!!111!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x: our ocs!! they r beeng killd!!

AF-Fan-#2: And they deserve it!

Pack of OC, Mary-Sue killers with DD breasts: There's only one way to settle this! MUD WRESTLING!

All OCs: -strip down to bras and underwear and get in mud pit-

Artemis: Omg. –oogles-

Holly: OMG, ERECT!!

OCs: -start mud wrestling-

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x: our ocs are getting killd!!

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x: we r so fukd!!

Holly: I want to help kill people! –stips down to bra and underwear and gets into mud pit-

Artemis: -oogles Holly-

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x: noez!! arty iz ment 2 b oogling the ocs!!

AF-Fan-#1: They're Mary-Sues for Crissake! They don't deserve to be oogled!!

Holly: -kills last Mary-Sue-

Pack of OC, Mary-Sue killers with DD breasts: -discreetly leave-

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x: NOOOOOEZZZ!!11!!111shift111!!1!!one!!11!! –ded-

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x: ARRGHHH!!1GHG111!!one!! –ded-

**(x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x has left the word document)**

**(x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#2-x has left the word document)**

Artemis: -still oogling- Holly… you look so attractive when you're half-naked and covered with mud,

Holly: Artemis, your slackjawed stare is my favourite thing about you.

Artemis: Holly, I love you.

Holly: -grabs Arty's tie- Then prove it! Do me, Artemis Fowl II! Get in my pants!

Artemis: -dives off springboard into Holly's pants-

Holly: -writhing in pleasure- Oh, Artemis!

AF-Fan-#1: I believe our work here is done.

**(AF-Fan-#1 has left the word document)**

**(AF-Fan-#2 has left the word document)**

* * *

**EPILOGUE!!11!!**

**(The reactions of the people who read Artemis Fowl and the Time Paradox)**

Eoin Colfer: -head/desk-

People with a sense of humour: lol.

People who were appalled: omg.

People who didn't get it: wtf.

Other really random people: bbq!

Iliterat Fangirls: omfg lyk srsly wtf!! all the awesum ocs dyd!! thts lyk sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo gh3y!! omg srsly dude!! the ocs wer lyk tehpwnorz!!111!!

Normal Fangirls: Um, stfu. Go die pls. Kthx.

Mary-Sue Haters: Bloody Mary-Sues had it coming.

Lula from the Stephanie Plum series: Fuckin' A. What are we talking about again?

Ranger from the Stephanie Plum series: Yo.

Eoin Colfer: My sweet characters…

Sovrani: Now you know how it feels when fangirls rape your fandom. It hurts doesn't it?

x-iliterat-af-fangirl-#1-x: 3wzt4dnhfm yjbgknjlim;,asutj kbnij;.aiskdjubliasuhblknetzxhjbk,

AF-Fan-#2: What was that supposed to mean?

AF-Fan-#1: I mashed her face into the keyboard.

AF-Fan-#2: SICK BRAH!!

AF-Fan-#1 and AFFan#2: -slap high fives-

Sovrani: -slaps with virtual trout-

AF-Fan-#1: Fux.

AF-Fan-#2: Medics!

R2D2: -beeps-

Howl Jenkins: -emosob- I see no point in living if I can't be beautiful. –goes green and gooey-

Souma's Orochi brother from Kannazuki no Miko: Have you eaten leftovers in an alley?

**TEH END!!11!!shift!!one1!11!!**

* * *

**A/N: **Aren't you glad I don't own Artemis Fowl?

Please note I almost gave my laptop a hernia from typing in chatspeak so much.

If anybody had difficulty deciphering the insane fangirl talk, please tell me, and I'll write up a translation at some point.

Review please!!111!!one!!1111!!shift!!111


	2. Translation

**Disclaimer: **You know the drill.

**A/N: **A few people asked for a translation of the chatspeak, and since I don't have anything better to do, I decided to write it up.  
There's a little more swearing in this one, because the abbreviations were expanded.

Eurgh, and there's an extra line between all the whatever. I seriously can't be bothered fixing it. You can all deal with it.

* * *

**Artemis Fowl, Mary-Sues and Illiterate Fangirls**

**(xiliterataffangirl#1x has joined the conversation)**

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

Helloooooo?? (Laugh Out Loud)!!

**(xiliterataffangirl#2x has joined the conversation)**

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:  
Hi!! (Laugh Out Loud)!!

**(AFFan#1 has joined the conversation)**

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

Ohmyfuckinggod I like love AF!! (Laugh Out Loud)!!

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

Ohmygod me too!! (Laugh Out Loud!!

AFFan#1 says:

Fuck. Illiterate Fangirls.

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

We are not illiterates!!

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

Yeah, just cause we aren't nerds like you!!

AFFan#1 says:

God help me.

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

Yeah, God, you stupid nerd!! Use some chatspeak!!

AFFan#1 says:

Hell no. I'm trying to preserve whatever brain cells I have, which are minimal anyway.

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

(Laugh Out Loud) nerd!!

AFFan#1 says:

Ok, you probably don't understand big words like that.

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

Yeah we can!! We just can't be fucked!! (Laugh Out Loud)!!

AFFan#1 says:

I'll pray for you.

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

What the fuck?? (Laugh Out Loud)!!

**(AFFan#2 has joined the conversation)**

AFFan#1 says:

FINALLY! SOME SANITY!

AFFan#2 says:

Haha :D But we're AF fans. There's little sanity anyway.

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

What the fuck??1!

AFFan#1 says:

See that? That's called an apostrophe. Use it sometime.

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

Stop bagging our smartness!!

AFFan#1 says:

You mean "limited intelligence".

AFFan#2 says:

Haha!

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

Shut the fuck up bitch!!11!!1

AFFan#2 says:

Illiterates?

AFFan#1 says:

Obviously.

AFFan#2 says:

Shame.

AFFan#1 says:

I know. What a waste of space.

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

Fuck off!!11!!

AFFan#1 says:

No. We're having fun.

AFFan#2 says:

If you call this fun. We haven't even pictured Arty in Speedos! –drools-

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

Ew!!

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

Gross11!!11

AFFan#1 says:

You call yourselves Fangirls? There hasn't been a single mention of Arty's big, hard, throbbing penis.

AFFan#2 says:

Until now. –drools-

AFFan#1 says:

I think I just wet my pants.

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

Ew!!11!! You two are sooo gross!!

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

Fucking weirdos1!! (Laugh Out Loud)!!

AFFan#2 says:

Eurgh. Noobs.

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

WE ARE NOT NOOBS!!

AFFan#1 says:

Really? How long have you been on this site?

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

Like four hours!!

AFFan#2 says:

Holy shit. Dumb, illiterate noob alert.

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

Shut the fuck up!!11111!!

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

Ohmygod, I just wrote like the best person for Arty!!1!! (Laugh Out Loud)!!

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

Ohmygod really?? (Laugh Out Loud)!!

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

Yeah, ohmygod, she's like perfect for him!!

AFFan#1 says:

Oh god. Mary-Sue.

AFFan#2 says:

-hauls out Mary-Sue guns-

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

She is not a Mary-Sue!! She's just perfect!! (Laugh Out Loud)!!

AFFan#1 says:

Uh… she's a Mary-Sue.

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

NO SHE ISN'T!!

AFFan#2 says:

AFFan#1, just leave it. What's the worst that could happen?

AFFan#1 says:

She'll post the story on FanFiction and get flamed?

AFFan#2 says:

Exactly. So just leave her.

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

Ohmygod, I'll get flamed??

AFFan#2 says:

Obviously.

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

Oh no!!

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

No waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!1!!

AFFan#1 says:

Idiots…

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

Ohmygod!! I just got like the best idea ever!! I'll hack into Eoin Colfer's computer and rewrite AF!!11!!

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

I already hacked it!! You're too late!!

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

No!!

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

Yes!!

AFFan#2 says:

… (Laugh Out Loud).

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

I'm going to do it anyway!!

xiliterataffangirl#2x says:

I'm going to stop you!!

xiliterataffangirl#1x says:

You wish!!

**(xiliterataffangirl#1x** **has left the conversation)**

**(xiliterataffangirl#2x** **has left the conversation)**

AFFan#2 says:

You don't think they'd really…?

AFFan#1 says:

I think they would.

AFFan#2 says:

Crap! We have to stop them!

AFFan#1 says:

Okay, let's go!

**(AFFan#2 has left the conversation)**

**(AFFan#1 has left the conversation)**

* * *

**And when Artemis Fowl and the Time Paradox comes out**

**This is what readers will find**

Artemis: -is sitting at home in Fowl manor, being a genius and doing what he does-

Holly: -is married to Artemis (obviously) and she is currently out shopping-

Artemis: -is bored-

Random Girl: -walks into Arty's room-

Artemis: Who are you, and how did you get past my security system?

Random Girl: My name is Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue. I hacked into your security system using only a ballpoint pen and paperclip and disabled it.

Artemis: God! You're a genius! And your hair is so black and shiny!

Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue: I know. I invented a formula that repairs all damaged hairs and eliminates dandruff. The formula made me millions. I have everything in the world… except for one thing…

Artemis: What's that?

Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue: I need somebody to love me and care for me, to love me for the person I am inside!

Artemis: What are you saying?

Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue: Artemis Fowl, engage your mandibles and reproductive organs and make love to me!

Artemis: Oh, my sweet Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue, your vocabulary just makes me love you all the more! Although I must admit I'm slightly worried…

Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue: -undressing Artemis and herself- Why are you worried, my love?

Artemis: Though you radiate the sweet scent of strawberries, which has a calming effect on me, I cannot help worrying about the fact that I am already married to a beautiful woman who is also capable of killing me with her pinky finger…

Holly: -bursts into room- Artemis, what are you doing?

Artemis: -gasps- Holly, this isn't what it looks like!

Holly: Artemis, your penis is erect! Erect!

Artemis: No! It's an illusion! It's the pleating in the pants!

Holly: Don't lie to me! –steps forward with pinky finger extended-

Artemis: Noez!

Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue: Muahahahah! My evil plan which isn't explained because it's stupid and immature is almost complete!

**(AFFan#1 has hacked into the word document)**

AFFan#1: Yes! I'm in!

xiliterataffangirl#1x: No!

AFFan#1: Okay, now for just minor adjustments…

Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue: -clutches chest- Oh no! I'm having a heart attack!

xiliterataffangirl#1x: You can't do that!!

AFFan#1: Yes I can! Haven't you ever seen Death Note?

Mary-Jean-Elizabeth-Sue: -keels over and dies-

xiliterataffangirl#1x: No!! My OC!!

xiliterataffangirl#2x: Yes!! My turn!!

OC: -walks into room-

OC: My name is Aquaria and I am a genius. Look at my amazing blonde hair and my beautiful purple eyes! Observe my impeccable fashion sense and listen to my glorious singing voice! Oogle my magnificent cleavage!

Cleavage: Hello! How may I engulf you?

Artemis: -oogles-

Holly: ERECT!!

AFFan#1: No! Another Mary-Sue!

**(AFFan#2 has hacked into the word document)**

AFFan#2: I'm here!

AFFan#1: Thank god! Quick, kill the Mary-Sue!

xiliterataffangirl#2x: NO!!1111!!shift!!11!!one!!

OC/Mary-Sue: -is crushed by grand piano-

Grand Piano: -may or may not belong to Edward Cullen-

Sovrani: -shimmers into view- Hi, just briefly interrupting for a second. I just want to say that Edward Cullen is a hot sexy vampire and if things don't work out between him and Bella, I'm going to marry him and have his children, whether or not that's possible. –shimmers out of view-

xiliterataffangirl#1x: Ohmygod!! We must make more OCs!!

xiliterataffangirl#2x: Yes!! Faster!!11!!shift!!

Pack of OCs which happen to be Mary-Sues: -walk into room- WE ARE PERFECT!

Artemis: -oogles-

Holly: ERECT!

AFFan#2: Ohmygod! We're outnumbered!

AFFan#1: Quick, make more OCs!

Pack of OCs which happen to be certified Mary-Sue killers: We are darkly attractive but we aren't perfect because we aren't Mary-Sues!

Artemis: -doesn't oogle-

Pack of OC, Mary-Sue killers: But observe our magnificent DD breasts!!

Artemis: -oogles-

Holly: ERECTTTTTTT!!

AFFan#1: Now, our magnificent OC, Mary-Sue killers with DD breasts, KILL THE MARY-SUES!!

Pack of OC, Mary-Sue killers with DD breasts: -start killing Mary-Sues-

Pack of OC Mary-Sues: -are being killed-

xiliterataffangirl#2x: NO!!111!!

xiliterataffangirl#1x: Our OCs!! They are being killed!!

AFFan#2: And they deserve it!

Pack of OC, Mary-Sue killers with DD breasts: There's only one way to settle this! MUD WRESTLING!

All OCs: -strip down to bras and underwear and get in mud pit-

Artemis: Ohmygod. –oogles-

Holly: OHMYGOD, ERECT!!

OCs: -start mud wrestling-

xiliterataffangirl#1x: Our OCs are getting killed!!

xiliterataffangirl#2x: We are so fucked!!

Holly: I want to help kill people! –stips down to bra and underwear and gets into mud pit-

Artemis: -oogles Holly-

xiliterataffangirl#2x: No!! Arty is meant to be oogling the OCs!!

AFFan#1: They're Mary-Sues for Crissake! They don't deserve to be oogled!!

Holly: -kills last Mary-Sue-

Pack of OC, Mary-Sue killers with DD breasts: -discreetly leave-

xiliterataffangirl#1x: NOOOOOOOOO!!11!!111shift111!!1!!one!!11!! –dead-

xiliterataffangirl#2x: ARRGHHH!!1GHG111!!one!! –dead-

**(xiliterataffangirl#1x has left the word document)**

**(xiliterataffangirl#2x has left the word document)**

Artemis: -still oogling- Holly… you look so attractive when you're half-naked and covered with mud,

Holly: Artemis, your slackjawed stare is my favourite thing about you.

Artemis: Holly, I love you.

Holly: -grabs Arty's tie- Then prove it! Do me, Artemis Fowl II! Get in my pants!

Artemis: -dives off springboard into Holly's pants-

Holly: -writhing in pleasure- Oh, Artemis!

AFFan#1: I believe our work here is done.

**(AFFan#1 has left the word document)**

**(AFFan#2 has left the word document)**

* * *

**EPILOGUE!!11!!**

**(The reactions of the people who read Artemis Fowl and the Time Paradox)**

Eoin Colfer: -head/desk-

People with a sense of humour: lol.

People who were appalled: omg.

People who didn't get it: wtf.

Other really random people: bbq!

Iliterat Fangirls: omfg lyk srsly wtf!! all the awesum ocs dyd!! thts lyk sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo gh3y!! omg srsly dude!! the ocs wer lyk tehpwnorz!!111!! **(A/N: I'm leaving this here because it's funny and important to the epilogue. But the translation is "Ohmyfuckinggod, like seriously what the fuck! All the awesome OCs died! That's like soooooooo gay! Ohmygod seriously dude! The OCs were like tehpwnorz!!" Keep in mind "tehpwnorz" probably translates to "the best".)**

Normal Fangirls: Um, shut the fuck up. Go die please. OK, thanks.

Mary-Sue Haters: Bloody Mary-Sues had it coming.

Lula from the Stephanie Plum series: Fuckin' A. What are we talking about again?

Ranger from the Stephanie Plum series: Yo.

Eoin Colfer: My sweet characters…

Sovrani: Yep, I raped them.

xiliterataffangirl#1x: 3wzt4dnhfm yjbgknjlim;,asutj kbnij;.aiskdjubliasuhblknetzxhjbk,

AFFan#2: What was that supposed to mean?

AFFan#1: I mashed her face into the keyboard.

AFFan#2: SICK BRAH!!

AFFan#1 and AFFan#2: -slap high fives-

Sovrani: -slaps with virtual trout-

AFFan#1: Fux.

AFFan#2: Medics!

R2D2: -beeps-

Howl Jenkins: -emosob- I see no point in living if I can't be beautiful. –goes green and gooey-

Souma's Orochi brother from Kannazuki no Miko: Have you eaten leftovers in an alley?

**TEH END!!11!!shift!!one1!11!!**

* * *

**A/N:** I hope that cleared up some of the more insane chatspeak.

REVIEW!!111!!111!!


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